Sticking the knife in good and early...
Proving that white, middle class men can finally go far in our society, after decades of discrimination and underachievement, Nick Clegg has been elected leader of the Liberal Democrats by a margin so thin as to be insignificant - 511 votes. On the bright side, under the Florida system of counting, Chris Huhne would have won.
Last month, I wrote about Crybaby Clegg, although thankfully he didn't gush during his acceptance speech. He even found time to thank a man who not so long ago was accusing him of being a calamity. Whether he'll have space to keep Huhne on the frontbench is probably another question, although without him he won't be able to get into a 12A movie.
Because you see, Clegg looks very young. Where before our leader needed a Stannah stairlift to get on to the conference stage, this one is asking the Speaker to reschedule Prime Minister's Questions so he doesn't have to skip PE. Some might perceive that because of his youthful looks, he is inexperienced, but his two and a half years in Parliament will put paid to that fallacy.
In the run up to the election result, David Cameron, who happens to be in the same toddler group as Clegg, has offered to form "a progressive alliance to decentralise Britain" with the Liberal Democrats. One of the first tasks of the new leader should be to take a shit all over this proposal before we find ourselves roughly violated from behind in the similar way we were after 1997 - remember that Proportional Representation commitment and the Jenkins Report? If you can't, don't worry, you're joined in your ignorance by Tony Blair and the Labour Party.
The problem for Clegg is that the Lib Dems are coming up against a Tory party that's finally stopped self-abusing, got a grip on something other than its undersized dick and is resurgent in the
Poles polls. Whether this means we'll be subject to a third party squeeze from a thoroughly over-exercised Tory wrist is largely up to how we tactically play the next general election - do we lay down a broad, inspiring policy message that reaches out to those who think liberal but don't vote it or do we retreat to our age-old "only we can win here", play it local, play it safe mentality (in other words, it's "play to win" versus Chris Rennard).
I wish Nick Clegg well on what will of course we an immense challenge, but I think he must just be up to the task, if he plays to the party's strengths, genuinely tries to connect with voters, tackles head on the inadequacies, corruption and incompetence of the present Government and HM Opposition and rediscovers the bright-orange liberal pair dangling between this party's firm thighs. I have got, however, one final request: please, don't mention the environment, you're boring us all to tears.